Three Cheers For Lily

My friend Connie doesn't understand why although Michael and I are no longer together (little contact has dwindled to none) that I continue to speak with his mother and sisters.
"You need to stop that" she scolded. "It's weird and it's wrong."
"I've known her 5 years and we're very close", I explained, of his mother. "We speak every couple of days and have done throughout the past five years, not just about Michael but about many things in our lives. I consider her family and a wonderful friend. Last week her husband passed away. I'm not just going to ditch them because Michael doesn't want me. Christian and I love them!" Lily and I speak so openly and so often that she knows that (while I will always love Michael) I've started speaking to Darryn and she understands completely why I feel the need now to let go and move on with my life without her son. I promised I would always be there for her if she needed me, financially or otherwise, esp now that she is alone and understandably scared. These weren't idle promises; They were heartfelt. If I can help I will.

Do you think it's wrong to stay involved with my estranged husbands family?

No Surrender

I have never in my life encountered a more driven individual than Darryn Yates. Had he not a lick of talent nor his striking good looks I don't doubt he would succeed through sheer will and steadfast determination alone.
"How do you keep doing it?" I posed. "How do you keep fighting for it with such a hunger?"
"I am stubborn", he explained, passionate. "I know I can do it. I'm willing to do anything."
Michael is as talented as an artist but he is so easily discouraged and not unlike myself, prone to depression. He makes little effort to develop or showcase his abilities when he could be preparing a portfolio, designing a website or showing his work publically. The ooohs and aahs resound when people enter my living room, lined with his paintings. People think he's an undiscovered genius but he lacks the same faith in himself. He bails at the first sign of difficulty, just as he did with our marriage. I believe anything worthwhile requires dedication and hard work. Nothing is ever handed to us on a silver platter. I have in me the desire for greatness but illness too often thwarts my efforts.
"Fear and doubt have knocked me down", I admitted. "I'm down but far from out."
"Good!" Darryn seconds. "Don't surrender. I have worked my ass off to get here. I spent eighteen months impressing these two top entertainment lawyers until they agreed to represent me. They finally did, because of my persistence."
Just as negativity can be contagious, so can positivity and his flame has reignited my own. Now I have a decision to make. I have saved a grand over several months-half of what I need to set aside for the down payment on a small house here on Oklahoma. I am now faced with the opportunity to purchase an incredible new Roland synthesizer with a built in recording workstation for about $2500. I would need to put $1000. down and pay off the balance in $500 monthly payments. This would strap me financially for a few months but it's doable. If I buy the equipment I will have to put off buying a house, or attempt to take the loan without a down payment, which is posible but will mean a higher interest rate and higher payments. If I buy a house, I will not be able to save anything after bills and will not be able to afford such a nice recording system.
"What does your heart tell you do to?" Darryn responds, asked for his advice.
"My heart needs music", I pine. "I have been lost without it. Only when my old set-up broke down and I couldn't afford to repair or replace it did I stop recording. I stopped writing. I stopped performing. I lost a very vital part of myself, and what makes me happy in life." But Christian and I also need a home.... I had determined to try and buy something soon, in an effort to coax Michael back. One of our biggest gripes when we were together was the lack of space and privacy living the way we were. I had been seeking a three bedroom house with a garage so we'd have plenty of room for the three of us, our animals and a makeshift studio for Michael's art. I wanted this for him as much as he yearned for it for himself. I would have given him all that I could, but Michael is notoriously picky and difficult to please and not even my buying a house would have been enough for him I don't think. I had wanted to give Christian a steady home of his own, a bedroom we could paint, a fenced yard and a family reunited-something I recognize as unlikely at this point. What I am looking at is a choice between the practical need for shelter and the finally possible dream. I asked Christian about his feelings regarding the situation and he told me with tears and a smile, "You do what you think is best. It is your choice. If you want to try in music again, I'll support you. I want you to be happy!" How did I get so lucky in motherhood?

What do YOU think I should do?

Copyright Infringement?!

ARGH!

I'm sitting here innocently uploading the photos Darryn provided me, now cropped, resized and with graphics added by moi, to the main merchandise site for use on his promotional products, much to the delight of the sandy haired heart-throb.
"You Rock!", he applaudes. "I love it!" and "Great job!" and "Wow!"
"It's what I do", I shrug, a big pile of pink goo.
"Well, you're very talented." But while I'm thinking I'm doing well, winning brownie points with this sweet and talented man, I am accused by the merchandise site of copyright infringement, for using a celebrities name and facial image without consent! I wrote them back that I know Darryn and that he is well aware of my pr efforts. They responded that they need 'an agreement in writing from Darryn Yates stating that he authorizes me to use his image on the store products'. I realize it is for his and the protection of all personalities that they do these things but crap, we're on a time crunch. I need to finish this in time for his ep release and before the tour begins. I want to offer him my support but how much can I do if I can't get the store up and running with confidence? He says he will take care of it, and without a complaint but I know it's time he doesn't have.

ARGH!

Getting Back In The Saddle Is Hard

I've already set up a messageboard for OnTracyLane and I am setting up a new online shop for Darryn next, to sell promotional products such as T-shirts, buttons, posters and even a Darryn Yates 12 month Calendar!
"Yay!" says he. "Thanks!" I am happy to help. He is absolutely swamped with work. And okay, so I have a little crush on him. Big stinkin' sexy hunka man deal. We plan to get together when he's in town, touring.

I owe Bylli Crayone an overdue press release I need to finish on Lynett. He's probably got a photo of me hung up somewhere chock full of darts at this point. I feel so badly. I've really been dropping the ball, pretty useless these past couple of weeks and am only now getting back into the groove of things. I was already down with the flu. And then came the string of bad news.

One Friday my aunt died, then over the weekend Johnny's Dad did. Monday I recieved a call from Germany from Michael's mother to inform me that her husband, Michael's stepfather for most of his life, had suddenly passed away from a heart attack. I had the unhappy task of calling him. (His mother had tried for hours in vain. I finally reached him at work.)
"WHAT?!" he shrieked, in shock of the tragedy.
"You need to call your mother right away." I told him, gently. "Call me back if you need to talk. I'm here for you." He did call me back this once, understandably upset. I don't know how his mother and younger siblings will all manage. His father was the breadwinner, the head, the stronghold. I feel for their grief. Thursday was the first anniversary of "Pedro"'s death- a somber day with a few tears shed. And then my sister Mary called Sunday to tell me that her daughter, my 24 year old niece has had a heart attack.

So I've been a mental and emotional mess, unable to concentrate worth a rats ass. It's time to get back in the saddle. It's time to put my house and heart in order. It's time to live, for any day breath could be taken from me.

Giddy-up.

A Blue-Eyed Boy From St.Louis

I have decided to let go and let God when it comes to Michael. I have loved and cried and pained for him these past five months since he left and it hasn't bought him back to me. He hasn't been calling me and I've given up calling him. I will grovel no more.

I wonder whether there may be love to be found in the arms of a certain blonde, blue-eyed crooner from St.Louis. I've begun chatting online with singer Darryn Yates of rock band "On Tracy Lane" on a nearly nightly basis, gabbing about music, life and laughing. He is so sweet, so sexy--at once ambition-driven and down to earth, despite the fact that ever since he filmed his first video with actress Lacey Chabert (from Party Of Five & Mean Girls) last year women have been beating one another senseless in his pursuit. To be honest, I wonder what he sees in the likes of mediocre me.
"You're so pretty", he flirts, while I turned shyly to scarlet. "And sexy!"
“Even when they’re rock stars they're flirty!” I teased him.
“Well, with you”, he responded. “Not just anyone.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, I'm sure you talk to a lot of women…” I imagined.
“Not really”, he corrected. “They message me but I don’t ussually give out my email or screen name.”
“Well then I feel special!”
“Good”, he said. “You should. I think you're pretty neat.”

As I slowly get to know him, I have to caution myself against letting my day dreams run away with me.
“Would you....ever actually date someone you met online?” I hesitated, hopeful.
“Why not?” he replied.
“Think you’d ever date me?” Can you blame a girl for asking?
“So far so good”, he smiled….

"I have to go to bed now, hon", he sighed, well after midnight last night. "I wish you were here."
"Me too", I whispered. I wanted to crawl through the screen and into his lap to kiss him goodnight. I couldn't sleep. I had visions of Darryn dancing around in my head.....

Something about him won't let me go....

www.ontracylane.com <---- See what's so special about Darryn Yates.